Very often, people come to me for therapy because they are tired of some part of themselves, and they feel they need to change, fix, or eradicate it entirely. To me, they will describe this part of themselves as "stupid anxiety," or "annoying depression," or "ridiculous obsession with food," and so on and so forth. They judge themselves mercilessly for what they perceive as a problem, and often report that others have judged them for it, too. Perhaps a parent has pointed out that they really need to get over themselves, or someone has told them to "suck it up." So they land in my office, fully prepared, magically, to become a different person and to be rid of the annoying part that brought them there in the first place. They are ashamed, and they don't like feeling this way. No one does.
Personally, I try to think of a time in my life when shame motivated me
to be better or do better, and nothing comes to mind. In fact, I can
think of many times in my life when I was shamed - be better! do
better! As a child, my neighbor's dad yelled at me to pay attention,
and to emphasize the point, he snatched the baton I was holding and
broke it over his knee. As an adult and socially anxious, I was
ridiculed by an acquaintance. In college, a Spanish professor used
derogatory language to point out my inability to learn languages.
If these events were intended to motivate me to make personal changes, they failed miserably. I didn't improve my attention skills - I stopped going to play at the house of the neighbor with anger management issues. I didn't stop worrying - I chose not to pursue a friendship with that person. I didn't improve my Spanish skills - I quit Spanish and did something that suited my natural abilities better.
I have a million more memories like this, and so do we all. Our culture is determined to make us feel bad about things we don't yet know or aren't doing well, with some misguided idea that we'll somehow make them better once we feel it. But here's the truth: shame doesn't create change, it creates fear. Ask most of the world's religions, step-by-step programs, social sciences, or any coach worth their salt: fear is not a good motivator. To be effective, the work must begin from a place of love, acceptance, compassion, and gentleness. Fear-based change, if it happens at all, doesn't last. Eventually, we go back to what we were doing before, or the part of us that was shamed into the corner reappears. As a culture, we need to rethink our use of shame, because shame is not a useful tool. It just doesn't work.
When clients come from a magnifying, shaming lens, I encourage them to instead approach the parts of themselves that they find unacceptable with kindness and as much neutrality as possible. If there are any judgments about these parts, we ask them to step aside, allowing us to work with them compassionately (so that these parts can better hear us and not feel intimidated by the upcoming change). We hear what these parts want and need from the client, and we allow the client to develop parts based on this information. We don't let the parts run the show, but we let them know that they are welcome and valuable, not something to be ashamed of. I think this is a radical way to approach change in our cultural climate. But the results are lasting, and the process is respectful.
Approaching change from a self-compassionate perspective can make a significant difference in how we think about our own work. Shame, whether from ourselves or from those we care about, can be gently challenged and reframed, rather than taken as a starting point.
Translation by Marina Fateeva, especially for the Association of Doctors and Psychologists "Eating Disorders: Therapy and Prevention".
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