With tenderness, care - to yourself (17.07.2020)

I have been collecting tenderness for so many years

I put one bead on a thread...

And the result was a bracelet for the soul...

And the heart became a hundred times more tender...

Irina Samarina

To take care of, to berehynia, to oberegina - words with the same root that I associate with a careful attitude and care, wisdom and tenderness towards oneself. Unfortunately, today such care is leveled by many of us. Why do we show auto-aggression instead of tenderness? Is exhaustion of one's own body a blessing and development? Let's try to figure it out.

On Punishment for the Sake of Salvation

I have been studying the problem of eating disorders for quite a long time. Quite a few articles on the topic have become resonant, since it is very relevant. One of the difficult moments in the work is the manifestation of excessive rigidity of clients to themselves, their bodies. This is ruthlessness and just cruelty on the verge of self-destruction. For example, piercing, damaging and tattooing, as painful attacks on the skin, or exhaustion with diets and excessive training, as experiments on the body. With eating disorders, such activity helps to somehow cope with difficult feelings, experiences, while clients do not know other ways.

Another aspect of aggression directed at oneself was recently voiced to me in one of the comments by people who do not have mental disorders. This is a popular opinion that self-aggression is justified, supposedly, you can't do without it! When I ask to clarify the position, what does "there will be nothing without it" mean, it turns out that there will be no development, achievements, success. That without discipline and rules, without violence against oneself, it is supposedly impossible… It seems that some lazy creature needs to be punished, whipped for its own good, for the sake of salvation?

Perhaps, I have a strong objection to the dyad "discipline" and "autoaggression". Indeed, a huge category of people think similarly. The so-called diet culture works similarly. It assumes that you cannot trust your needs, because trust will lead to chaos, an increase in body weight to almost 200 kg.

This is not true in reality. However, the fear of chaos and weight gain is a separate topic concerning food intuition skills. But what does caring and being careful with yourself at least in everyday life really mean?

Limitations as a result of exhaustion

In fact, there is a certain substitution of concepts. Rules and discipline are perceived by many as violence, and not as care with the aim of making their lives easier. While rules and discipline are precisely care and concern for oneself.

In the scientific world there is a term called "decision fatigue" or " Decision fatigue " ( Pignatiello , G.A., Martin, R.J., & Hickman Jr , RL, 2020). This is a natural phenomenon for the brain, which provokes making frivolous decisions or not making them at all. The phenomenon is well studied, there are many publications on this topic (e.g. Persson , E., Barrafrem , K., Meunier , A., & Tinghög , G. (2019), and many others.

We all have a certain resource for making decisions. It is exhausted by the end of the day. For example, decisions about how to get there and what to wear, where to have lunch and what to say. Each of us makes dozens of micro-decisions every day. It seems like such a choice is a trifle, but in fact it is constant work of the brain, in which complex mechanisms of relationships are involved.

It turns out like in the joke :

- You have such a wonderful job sorting oranges. Why are you nervous?

- Because you constantly have to make decisions about which box to put what in.

There is some truth in this, isn't there? In life, too, we are obliged to apply competent rules of self-care so that we have enough decision-making resources and do not become exhausted.

We care again and again

So, a caring, careful attitude towards oneself is… drum roll… a pre-planned work schedule, a selected wardrobe and a planned menu without violence and self-aggression, so that we last for a long time. Caring and taking care of oneself consists of many important and valuable beads. Here they are:

1. Systematic feeding of yourself with varied and nutritious food. This is a diet of proteins, fats, complex carbohydrates, fiber. Do not forget about fun food - food for joy, which does not necessarily have to be healthy, but brings pleasure. Only full and regular nutrition allows you to work with high efficiency, to be active.
2. Healthy sleep. To be actively awake, you need to get enough sleep. There is a tendency to get up an hour earlier to do sports, drink tea in silence... This will be great only if you go to bed an hour earlier. Let me remind you that 80 minutes of sleep deprivation per day increases the daily calorie intake by about 550 kcal (Calvin, AD et al . al , 2013). This is where the extra kilos appear over time . And healthy sleep will be in a ventilated, cool, dark room, in a state of rest, on a comfortable mattress.
3. If you smoke, I suggest an experiment. Every time before you go out for a smoke, ask yourself - do I really want to smoke now? Do I want the taste of a cigarette? Perhaps at this moment I need a break from work, or want to join a group of smokers? Or, on the contrary, it is important to be alone, and with a cigarette it is easier to do - others will not have the impression that you are just standing there. If the answer to the question is YES, I want to smoke, smoke) But if NO and, it seems, the need is different, think about how you can satisfy it in another way, without deceiving yourself. Maybe go for a walk, or chat, or drink some water ...
4. Time to think. When making important decisions, it is necessary to have time to think, to consult with people who are authoritative in the matter if necessary. And let the weighing of all the pros and cons happen during the day, so that you can fall asleep peacefully. It is better to make a decision with a fresh head, "the morning is wiser than the evening."
5. A full rest. Sleep is sleep, but nowadays it is worth taking a vacation several times a year. Rest as your soul desires, and not like everyone else. Rest when you feel a loss of strength or before an upcoming difficult project.

These seemingly simple beads of care will allow us to preserve ourselves longer, for joy. An action plan and a reduction in the number of decisions are especially important for anxious and vulnerable people, as self-care.

Remember that you are the only one - beloved, good enough, the only one, deserving of careful treatment and tenderness. And this is a skill that needs to be developed through repetition, with a conscious effort. A skill developed consciously will bring the desired effect! Hurry to see for yourself!

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Literature:

- Calvin, A.D., Carter , R.E., Adachi , T., Macedo , P.G., Albuquerque , F.N., Van Der Walt, C., ... & Somers , V.K. (2013). Effects of experimental sleep restriction on caloric intake and activity energy expenditure. Chest, 144(1), 79-86.

- Persson, E., Barrafrem , K., Meunier, A., & Tinghög , G. (2019). The effect of decision fatigue on surgeons' clinical decision making. Health economics, 28(10), 1194-1203.

- Pignatiello, G. A., Martin, R. J., & Hickman Jr., R. L. (2020). Decision fatigue : A conceptual analysis . Journal of health psychology , 25(1), 123-135.